Ganondorf: I hunger. You two, fetch me something to eat.
Zant: .....Wait, us?
Ganondorf: Yes, so go get me some food and be quick about it!
Ghirahim: Right away, master.
Zant: So. Quick question.
Zant: What is food?
Ghirahim: DAMN, THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO ASK YOU!
Zant: HUH?! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT FOOD IS EITHER?
Ghirahim: I'm a freaking sword, I don't eat anything! What the hell is your excuse?!
Zant: I'm Twili, I just get all my sustenance from the Twilight!
Ghirahim: So NONE of us know what food is? Damn, Ganondorf will kill us!
Zant: Wait, let's think about this. We're both perfectly capable people, we can figure this out.
Ghirahim: Okay so food is something you "eat" right?
Zant: So in other words.... food is something that's "edible".
Ghirahim: ....So what's edible?
Zant: ((Lies down on the floor))
Ghirahim: What are you doing?
Zant: Accepting my death.
Ghirahim: COME ON MAN! YOU CAN'T GIVE UP YET!
Zant: Wait hang on, didn't you serve a master who would of eaten food?
Ghirahim: Demise? He liked to catch and eat his own meals so I'm unsure what he ate....
Zant: Come on, you have to have seen SOMETHING he ate!
Ghirahim: Uh, I remember he killed this white thing and he roasted it over a fire....?
Zant: Like, that white thing over there?
Cucco: ((Waddles about))
Ghirahim: YES, THAT'S IT! THAT THING IS FOOD!
Zant: So we just need to kill it and cook it right? We're saved!
Ghirahim: Prepare to die, small white fowl!
Ghirahim: ((Attacks the cucco))
Zant: For the horde!
Zant: ((Also attacks the cucco))
Zant: RUN FASTER DUDE, HURRY UP!
Ghirahim: DO YOU THINK I WOULDN'T BE RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN IN THIS SITUATION?!
Zant: WHAT SORT OF POWER DID YOUR OLD MASTER HAVE, TO TRY AND FIGHT SUCH A CREATURE?
Ghirahim: NO MORE TALKING, ONLY RUNNING NOW!
Zant: OH GOD WHY IS THIS ONE GOLD?!
Golden Cucco: ((Slams into Zant's face))
Ghirahim: ZANT NO!
Zant: SAVE ME, SAVE MEEABLLLARRGGGHHHHH!
System message: Cucco forces have defeated Zant!
Ganondorf: You have finally returned, and yet I see you are empty handed?
Ghirahim: M-My apologies master but a crisis has arised! Enemy forces have already defeated Zant!
Ganondorf: What?! Hyrulean forces have infiltrated the stronghold?!
Ghirahim: No, it's even worse than that! It's-
???: COCK A DOODLE DO!
Ghirahim: OH GOD THEY'RE ALREADY HERE!
Cuccos: ((Break down the door and swarm in through the windows))
Ghirahim: CUCCOS! CUCCOS!
Ganondorf: Are you kidding me? They're just chickens, how hard can they be to fight?!
Ganondorf: EVERY LAST DEMON KING FOR THEMSELVES!
Ghirahim: WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US?!
Ganondorf: ((Throws Ghirahim into the swarm of cuccos))
Ganondorf: SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR YOUR MASTER!
System message: Cucco forces have defeated Ghirahim!
Impa: So, we'll move half our forces over this ridge towards-
Soldier: Emergency, emergency!
Zelda: What is it?
Soldier: It's Ganondorf, he's coming this way!
Impa: Impossible, no army could move so quickly!
Soldier: No, it's JUST Ganondorf but he's plowing through our forces by himself!
Zelda: Is this the might of the Triforce of Power...?
Ganondorf: ((Busts through a wall))
Soldier: OH GOD HE'S ALREADY HERE!
Impa: Back, fiend!
Ganondorf: IF I'M GOING TO DIE THEN I'M TAKING ALL OF YOU WITH ME!
Proxi: We're here!
Link: ((Kicks Ganondorf in the back of the head))
Ganondorf: SON OF A-... Perfect, we'll all die here together!
Zelda: What are you even talking about?
Soldier: Wait, something's coming this way! It's.... It's-
Cuccos: COCK A DOODLE DOO!
Soldier: AHHH! CUCCOS! CUCCBLLLARRGGGHHH
System message: Cucco forces have defeated Hyrulean Captain!
Zelda: WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU RUN ALL THIS WAY HERE JUST TO HAVE US KILLED BY CUCCOS?!
Zelda: ....Hey, you.
Impa: We're surrounded, what should we do?
Zelda: ((Places her hands on Impa's shoulders))
Zelda: SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR YOUR PRINCESS!
Zelda: ((Shoves Impa into the cucco swarm))
System message: Cucco forces have defeated Impa!
Zelda: Quick, let's escape while the cucco's are distracted!
Proxi: We can't, there's a golden cucco blocking our exit!
Golden Cucco: C̶̢͘O͜C͝͝K̨̢͜ ̡͝A̸͢ ͜͜Ḑ͜͢OO̶D̵̢LE ҉̡ḐÒ̧Ơ͘
Ganondorf: I DON'T WANT TO DIE AGAIN, I JUST CAME BACK TO LIFE!
Zelda: No wait, we have all three pieces of the Triforce here! We can use it's power to save ourselves!
Proxi: Let's do that then!
Zelda: By our powers combined....
Ganondorf: WE ARE CAPTAIN PLANET!
Ganondorf: OH DEAR GOD THE CUCCOS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE TRIFORCE!
Zelda: WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE HELL?!
Proxi: Welp, this is it buddy.
Proxi: SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR YOUR FAIRY!
Proxi: ((Flies away and abandons everyone))
Link: ((Flips Proxi the finger on both hands while being consumed by the swarm of cuccos))
Ganondorf and Zelda: FUUUUUUUUU-
important survey: did anyone not have an awakening as a child, seeing Jasmine in that red outfit?
today is bi visibility day. as such, bisexual people will be completely visible for the next 24 hours. this is a bad day to engage in bank heists, ghost impersonations, covert operations for vague yet menacing government agencies, and other common bisexual hobbies that rely upon our powers of invisibility.
reblog to save a life.
it’s important to realize that any narrative that portrays heterosexuality as endangered in any context is homophobic by nature because it prioritizes a completely metaphorical situation over what actual gay people face everyday
and by making a heterosexual romance the main plot, in a context where it is forbidden, even if every single character isn’t straight, it is making sure the narrative knows that the heterosexual romance is the most important, the most real, and the most genuine
now add this in with a premise that assumes sex=gender and that outlawing only heterosexual sex causes a rift between 2 genders and casts the only androgynous/ambiguously gendered characters as the villains
and yes, you get a plot that is entirely transphobic and homophobic and i’m so sorry you consider this to be “tumblr complaining” when the erasure and invalidation of our identities is a very real issue especially when so many people are uncritical of this
in case you don’t know: this post is about urbance